Regrets Surface After Losing A Parent By Judi

  October 19th, 2010

Audrey in 1939

I think about Mom a lot.  It seems like she crosses my mind most when I am driving.  Yesterday I was thinking about her hair.  She had the most beautiful wavy hair.  When she was younger it was blond.  I always wanted blond hair.  I don’t know how my sister can say that I was Mom’s favorite when she got the blond hair, not me!
At the end of her life, her hair was white as snow.  She had it styled once a week by the beautician at the nursing  home and if her bath aide would put a shower cap on her head, her hair would stay looking beautiful until her next appointment.  When I would comment on how nice her hair looked she always did this “thing”.  She would tilt her head to the side, raise her hand to her cheek, smile and bat her eyelashes like a silent movie star.  I sure wish I had a picture of her in that pose.  She always made me laugh.  I still chuckle when I think about it, like in the car yesterday.
When I think back on the time I spent caring for Mom, I have a few regrets.  I didn’t know at the time but it is little things that I miss the most.  Little things like the way she used to introduce me to the same people over and over, her elegant taste in clothes and art, her whimsical smile when she was laughing at herself.  If I had known before, I would have taken more pictures and videos of Mom while she was alive.  I would have recorded more of those moments so I could look at them and chuckle and say “Yep, that is so like her!”
Another thing I would have done is to get her to talk more about her past and her family.  I am the youngest in our family, and when I was growing up we didn’t live close to any of our relatives.  I look at old family photos now and I only see strangers looking back at me.  It bothers me that I do not know much of our family history, and that I can’t share it with my son either.
I think that if there is something about your loved one that reminds you of them, or makes you laugh or cry, or something that defines them in your memory then you should write it down or record it on film while you still have time; get them to talk about their childhood and their memories so that those experiences are not lost.  A good place to start is a book like Mom, Share Your Life With Me (there is a version for fathers, too) or  Memories for My Grandchild.  These books at least get the dialogue started, and they start you thinking of questions you want answered.  If they don’t mind, you could record or film the conversations, too.
I realize now that I should have spent some of the time that I was visiting with Mom by asking many of the questions contained in these books and writing her history and memories down for all of us to know her better. And while I may regret that I didn’t visit her more often, or didn’t take her more places, or that I didn’t bring her enough flowers, I think what I regret the most is not asking questions while I had the time.

http://www.desperatecaregivers.com/category/death-of-a-parent